My friend wants to become anorexic...

Today when i came to school my friend started talking about how much she hates her life and how she really wants to change it. She have always been a very positive, happy person but recently i've seen changes in her. She used to have natural blonde hair, always be in party mood.. she would cheer everyone up when they felt down. Now she dyed her hair dark brown and only listens to depressing music. She doesn't smile much anymore. And she doesn't even talk much. She's become very shy. It's wierd since i remember how we could talk and laugh for hours. And now she's just this empty shell of herself. Of who she used to be. It feels wierd. I asked her what she hates so much about herself and she answered "my body" in a low voice. She confessed to me that a few months ago she only used to eat one fruit a day. And she found it completely normal. That made me froze. And she also said that some days the only thing she did was sitting in her room and eating. Overeating. And now she wants to lose weight. She asked ME for tips and today when we had lunch both me and she were sitting there with an empty plate. It felt even wierder since i'm so used to be being the only non eating person in my school. It feels like her joy is gone. I think ana and mia are starting to take over her. And it feels so wierd to see it. I feel helpless. It makes me sad. That those bitches will take over and destroy my beautiful friend who used to love living life and actually enjoy eating. But i guess there's nothing i can do.........:'(

Once you're in there's no turning back...

where are you

i wanna feel light headed. i want the ground to shake underneath me. i wanna feel pure. i don't want to have anything inside of me. just bones. And love for ana. i want to feed of air. i wanna feel empty inside. i don't wanna have any painful thoughts in my head. i want my heart to start beating slower. i wanna feel cold. I wanna feel in control. I wanna feel perfect. When there's nothing to take off. Nothing more to add. Just pure perfection.

i miss you ana. it's hard with you. and it's hard without you. a neverending struggle. but it's worth it.. ?! my best friend and worst enemy who almost killed me. where are you...

I wanna be like you

Another day from hell

First of all sorry for my pathetic rambling about how much my life sucks but you know... binging can kill you mentally & physically.

So today i had school...and everything went fine! i was so hungry this morning that i ate porridge and then i skipped lunch at school as usual and it was all good until... i got home. i worked out a little bit. and was just about to go shopping when my mom went: BELLA YOU MUST EAT BLAHBLAHBLAH I MADE A SALAD FOR YOU WITH 0 CALORIES (yeah right) and i have some eggs blahblahblah
I really tried to resist. But i was a little hungry after 9 hours of not eating so i gave in... i fucking gave in... and i ate all of it. then when my mom went out of the kitchen i opened the frigde like a fucking maniac and i found some ICE CREAM in there. needless to say... one ice cream was gone after like 1 min. then i went shopping with tears in my eyes that i hided behing some sunglasses. i met my best friend on my way to the city. how ironic. i've never met my friends after binging so i felt so ashamed but all i could do was fake a smile. then when i came home i screwed it up again and now i've eaten:
smoothie with milk in it...:'(
marshmallows?! WHAT THE HELL
salad
one piece of apple pie
2 ice creams

I'm becoming really bulimic or maybe a binge eater. i'm not even able to purge anymore!!!!!!!!!! i want my ana back. i know she's somewhere out there waiting for me...

I wanna die right now by the way. My stomach is so full that i'm going to explode. I really feel sick. And i have school tomorrow. FUCK MY LIFE. FUCK IT. And i also have cheerleading practise tomorrow. so all the skinny cheerleaders in my team will se me as a fat cheerleader bitch. awesome!!!! this binging thing will kill me. kill.

Well tomorrow i'm really really gonna fast. See... i always say "tomorrow". but this time i fucking mean it. i will write here when i wake up, when i come home from school, when i'm going to cheerleading practise & when i get home.
Guys...if you feel like binging. Please don't do it. It's not worth it. Food = satan

By the way.. thank you for your nice lovely comments :) thanks for sticking out with me. i'm having a tough period in my life right now....
xx
Bella

Going from being the skinniest girl in my dance group to becoming the fattest in just 4 days is kinda amazing ... right? Oh fuck it.

My day

Okay so today was awful. I ate two slices of pizza and 2 mini ice creams for breakfast. Completely out of control. So i've been in the fucking toilet the whole day. I wanna get rid of this shit....

And then i didn't eat for the whole day until like 1 hour ago when i ate like 4 slices of bread with BUTTER AND some sausages. ughhh! DISGUSTING. And i hate meat more than anything. IF MIA WAS A PERSON SHE WOULD FUCKING BE DEAD RIGHT NOW. ughhhH!!!

I saw my reflection in my mirror today and now i realize that i'm so screwed. i've gained a hell of a weight those past 4 days. FUCK. I think i'm killing myself with this binging thing. My stomach can't take this anymore..
But new week tomorrow and i will put up PICS then. Tomorrow i will only drink water with some lemon in it. okay... FAST tomorrow. and if i fuck up, i'm going to kill myself :)

Love
From a disappointed sad Bella
xx

Darkness

I'm so disappointed in myself right now and i feel like dying :/ Yes i ate the pizza. and milk. fuck my life. i'm done..................i'm so fucking done................... i wanna die.