My friend wants to become anorexic...

Today when i came to school my friend started talking about how much she hates her life and how she really wants to change it. She have always been a very positive, happy person but recently i've seen changes in her. She used to have natural blonde hair, always be in party mood.. she would cheer everyone up when they felt down. Now she dyed her hair dark brown and only listens to depressing music. She doesn't smile much anymore. And she doesn't even talk much. She's become very shy. It's wierd since i remember how we could talk and laugh for hours. And now she's just this empty shell of herself. Of who she used to be. It feels wierd. I asked her what she hates so much about herself and she answered "my body" in a low voice. She confessed to me that a few months ago she only used to eat one fruit a day. And she found it completely normal. That made me froze. And she also said that some days the only thing she did was sitting in her room and eating. Overeating. And now she wants to lose weight. She asked ME for tips and today when we had lunch both me and she were sitting there with an empty plate. It felt even wierder since i'm so used to be being the only non eating person in my school. It feels like her joy is gone. I think ana and mia are starting to take over her. And it feels so wierd to see it. I feel helpless. It makes me sad. That those bitches will take over and destroy my beautiful friend who used to love living life and actually enjoy eating. But i guess there's nothing i can do.........:'(

Once you're in there's no turning back...

where are you

i wanna feel light headed. i want the ground to shake underneath me. i wanna feel pure. i don't want to have anything inside of me. just bones. And love for ana. i want to feed of air. i wanna feel empty inside. i don't wanna have any painful thoughts in my head. i want my heart to start beating slower. i wanna feel cold. I wanna feel in control. I wanna feel perfect. When there's nothing to take off. Nothing more to add. Just pure perfection.

i miss you ana. it's hard with you. and it's hard without you. a neverending struggle. but it's worth it.. ?! my best friend and worst enemy who almost killed me. where are you...

I wanna be like you

Another day from hell

First of all sorry for my pathetic rambling about how much my life sucks but you know... binging can kill you mentally & physically.

So today i had school...and everything went fine! i was so hungry this morning that i ate porridge and then i skipped lunch at school as usual and it was all good until... i got home. i worked out a little bit. and was just about to go shopping when my mom went: BELLA YOU MUST EAT BLAHBLAHBLAH I MADE A SALAD FOR YOU WITH 0 CALORIES (yeah right) and i have some eggs blahblahblah
I really tried to resist. But i was a little hungry after 9 hours of not eating so i gave in... i fucking gave in... and i ate all of it. then when my mom went out of the kitchen i opened the frigde like a fucking maniac and i found some ICE CREAM in there. needless to say... one ice cream was gone after like 1 min. then i went shopping with tears in my eyes that i hided behing some sunglasses. i met my best friend on my way to the city. how ironic. i've never met my friends after binging so i felt so ashamed but all i could do was fake a smile. then when i came home i screwed it up again and now i've eaten:
smoothie with milk in it...:'(
marshmallows?! WHAT THE HELL
salad
one piece of apple pie
2 ice creams

I'm becoming really bulimic or maybe a binge eater. i'm not even able to purge anymore!!!!!!!!!! i want my ana back. i know she's somewhere out there waiting for me...

I wanna die right now by the way. My stomach is so full that i'm going to explode. I really feel sick. And i have school tomorrow. FUCK MY LIFE. FUCK IT. And i also have cheerleading practise tomorrow. so all the skinny cheerleaders in my team will se me as a fat cheerleader bitch. awesome!!!! this binging thing will kill me. kill.

Well tomorrow i'm really really gonna fast. See... i always say "tomorrow". but this time i fucking mean it. i will write here when i wake up, when i come home from school, when i'm going to cheerleading practise & when i get home.
Guys...if you feel like binging. Please don't do it. It's not worth it. Food = satan

By the way.. thank you for your nice lovely comments :) thanks for sticking out with me. i'm having a tough period in my life right now....
xx
Bella

Going from being the skinniest girl in my dance group to becoming the fattest in just 4 days is kinda amazing ... right? Oh fuck it.

My day

Okay so today was awful. I ate two slices of pizza and 2 mini ice creams for breakfast. Completely out of control. So i've been in the fucking toilet the whole day. I wanna get rid of this shit....

And then i didn't eat for the whole day until like 1 hour ago when i ate like 4 slices of bread with BUTTER AND some sausages. ughhh! DISGUSTING. And i hate meat more than anything. IF MIA WAS A PERSON SHE WOULD FUCKING BE DEAD RIGHT NOW. ughhhH!!!

I saw my reflection in my mirror today and now i realize that i'm so screwed. i've gained a hell of a weight those past 4 days. FUCK. I think i'm killing myself with this binging thing. My stomach can't take this anymore..
But new week tomorrow and i will put up PICS then. Tomorrow i will only drink water with some lemon in it. okay... FAST tomorrow. and if i fuck up, i'm going to kill myself :)

Love
From a disappointed sad Bella
xx

Darkness

I'm so disappointed in myself right now and i feel like dying :/ Yes i ate the pizza. and milk. fuck my life. i'm done..................i'm so fucking done................... i wanna die.

My mom is making pizza

And i'm scared that my self control will start to fade away. HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
May you burn in hell mr pizza.

Red bracelet on

Now it's official. I have my red bracelet on. If i binge now i'm going to kill myself.

Nicole Richie with a red bracelet on. She says it's a kabbalah bracelet but i dont believe her. I know what ana's are like.......

September 4th

So today was absolute hell. I woke up after a horrible nightmare and almost couldn't breathe but at least i didn't have any food dreams. I promised myself i wouldn't binge today but i fucking did. Yeah i fucking did it. For breakfast dammit. I don't even remember what i ate...? I think i had oatmeal and then i couldn't stop myself so i started eating like rice, chicken and some unhealthy yoghurt with like 10 % fat. I almost cried afterwards. Then after that i went and played minigolf with my bro and my daddy and it was fun! I got some exersice and then i did some cheerleading practise too. So i was very happy but then we went to the supermarket and were going to buy some food. The thing that strike me the most was that every time i've been there i've been freezing and feeling empty in my stomach and this time i wasn't freezing, i was full of energy and my head were full of thoughts. That feeling scared me a lot. I love feeling empty. Hungry. Perfect. Pure. But i kept my cool and we went home without any food for me but my bro bought a box full of mini ice creams. So when i got home i felt like a force took control over me and i binged on bread and cheese. And then when my mom went to the toilet i sneaked into the kitchen like a thief and took 6 ice creams which i hided in a towel. See i'm SICK. AND I ATE THEM ALL! So right now i'm sitting here, almost suicidal in my room. Tomorrow i'm doing a detox. So i'm gonna eat nothing at all, except tea. And i don't care if i fucking faint. Cause i deserve it. I'm a FAT BITCHHHHHHHHHHHH aoijdo kjdoKDOPsk ol ugh how i hate myself :(
Well i see you tomorrow! I'm gonna take pics of everything i eat. Cause this month i have a dance competition and i wanna be thin there. For once.
See u lovelys xoxo,
Bella

About me

Hello pretty people.
I'm gonna tell a little bit about myself. My name is....well let's call me Bella. I'm 15 years old and i live in Europe. I'm a competitive dancer and cheerleader.  
I have been diagnosed with anorexia, bulimia and BED. So here i'm gonna write about my ana, mia and so on...
and put up some thinspiration. I made this blog because i wanted to have a blog where i could be 100% honest about things in my life and i wanna have control over everything i eat so i'm  gonna put up pictures of ALL THOSE THINGS I PUT IN MY MOUTH! So if i would binge i would just take a pic and show it for the whole world. I wanna recover from binge eating and become skinny. My new life starts...now.

Lots of love,
Bella xx